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Hey Solitude Dudes

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”
EXTREME INDEPENDENCE IS A TRUST ISSUE

The Formative Years:

The period between the onset of puberty and the cessation of physical growth; roughly from 11 to 19 years of age. During the period of time between childhood and adulthood, as for other life stages, there are certain developmental tasks to be accomplished before one can move on to the next stage of maturity.

Neurological research shows that the early years play a key role in children's brain development. Children's early experiences – the bonds they form with their parents and their first learning experiences – deeply affect their future physical, cognitive, emotional and social development.

That being said, whether intentional or unintentional, the influences of our formative years DO impact and Hard-wire us in many ways. Having said THAT. In most cases, our parents did the best THEY knew how and we do the best that WE know how. It doesn't help anyone to hold that over the previous generation's heads. The greatest wish of any parent is that their children do a little better than they did. If we can learn from the previous generation's mistakes, then we can move forward into a better tomorrow.

The inability to receive support from others is a trauma response.

Your “I don’t need anyone, I’ll just do it all myself” conditioning is a survival tactic. And you needed it to shield your heart from abuse, neglect, betrayal, and disappointment from those who could not or would not be there for you.
From the parent who was absent and abandoned you by choice or the parent who was never home from working three jobs to feed and house you.
From the lovers who offered sexual intimacy but never offered a safe haven that honored your heart.
From the friendships and family who ALWAYS took more than they ever gave.
From all the situations when someone told you “we’re in this together” or “I got you” then abandoned you, leaving you to pick up the pieces when things got real, leaving you to handle your part and their part, too.
From all the lies and all the betrayals.
You learned along the way that you just couldn’t really trust people. Or that you could trust people, but only up to a certain point.

EXTREME INDEPENDENCE

IS. A. TRUST. ISSUE.

You learned:

If I don’t put myself in a situation where I rely on someone, I won’t have to be disappointed when they don’t show up for me, or when they drop the ball... because they will ALWAYS drop the ball EVENTUALLY right?

You may even have been intentionally taught this protection strategy by generations of hurt ancestors who came before you.

Extreme-independence is a preemptive strike against heartbreak.
So, you don’t trust anyone.
And you don’t trust yourself, either, to choose people.
To trust is to hope, to trust is to be vulnerable.
“Never again,” you vow.
But no matter how you dress it up and display it proudly to make it seem like this level of independence is what you always wanted to be, in truth it’s your wounded, scarred, broken heart behind a protective brick wall.

Impenetrable:

Nothing gets in. No hurt gets in. But no love gets in either.
Fortresses and armor are for those in battle, or who believe the battle is coming.

It’s a trauma response.

The good news is trauma that is acknowledged is trauma that can be healed.

  • You are worthy of having support.
  • You are worthy of having true partnership.
  • You are worthy of love.
  • You are worthy of having your heart held.
  • You are worthy to be adored.
  • You are worthy to be cherished.
  • You are worthy to have someone say, “You rest. I got this.”
  • And actually deliver on that promise.
  • You are worthy to receive.

You are worthy.

  • You don’t have to earn it.
  • You don’t have to prove it.
  • You don’t have to bargain for it.
  • You don’t have to beg for it.
You are worthy. Worthy. Simply because you exist.